Removing the mask

I was inspired to write this as I went for my first walk to the beach since breaking my foot

''You broke your foot??''

Yes, a few weeks ago I broke my right foot a bit, dislocated it and popped it back in, this is apparently not usual. It did result in a really elegant X-Ray however... There's no correlation between the walk and the subject matter, just that my mind does a weird thing when I walk alone.

Anyway, that's the background, I don't wish to harp on about the injury, just that on this walk I had a lot of things to mull over to do with my life atm.
What I aim to do is a valiant attempt at removing my 'society mask', that thing we wear to protect us from all of the things that society tells us we need protecting from. So I am going to jump right in at the deep end because that seems to be the very best way to do these things.

Since I was very young I've struggled with insecurity. I know that may seem an odd thing to admit when I do the things I do, if you know me well enough to what I do for fun etc. I was a normal and active child who just put on a lot of weight before hitting puberty. That's when people started calling me fat, until that happened I had no concept of weight, I saw my mum for the person she was, not her weight... I saw people, not measurements. I am probably going to be mentioning the weight thing a bit as this is my perspective.
I should not be measured by my weight, the quality of my character is not controlled by how much of me (or anyone) there is. My compassion neither shrinks nor grows with my waistline, nor does yours. My ability to be there for my friends has never altered regardless of my size - and I have been fat, thin and every size in between.
Over the years I've tried to grow in my world view, I've tried to learn from experiences - being in a violent relationship years ago taught me a lot (I do not state this for a sympathy vote, I learned a lot in that time) and it gave me an insight into feeling truly worthless and powerless. It made see shame in way that people who have not experienced anything like this cannot understand, it removed from me any desire to be a victim of my circumstances, it taught me more than I can share here, but it's not something I would wish on anyone, nor recommend as a learning curve - there is always a better way became my motto from this life experience. There is always a way to be in your truth and speak it nicely, there is always a way to explain your point that doesn't require anger, raised voices, violence or passive aggressive pouting...

I am flawed but perfect, I am damaged but complete, I am insecure but made from awesome, I am faulty but do not need returning, I make jokes as a self defence mechanism but I am OK with it. I can bitch with the best of them, but I have awareness that whatever I am saying is a reflection of how I feel and where I am at.

If we ever want truly authentic relationships we have to look at who we are and completely open that person for general viewing without worrying or caring what some people will think, because when we are authentic the people who do not like us at least are not liking who we are, not who we present. And the people who do like the authentic us will likely stick around because we are not going to throw any curveballs their way.

I have never been one for game playing with the emotions of others, but I've been guilty of protecting myself by hiding my feelings, but in truth, that offers no protection only an illusion of it. If we like someone we shy of saying something because we are afraid they may not return the feelings. Can we all see how pointless this is? If I pretend that I am not interested and the person I like is doing the same, we may never meet in the middle because both are scared of rejection and of future pain.... take a moment with that *future pain*.... I'll wait here....

OK... done thinking about that? I don't tell someone I like him because I am afraid he doesn't feel the same... well... if he doesn't, surely it's better that I know? Or I don't tell him because I am scared that he may like me too and then we get together and I imagine it will go wrong and then I will be heartbroken. And so it goes on until you left it too late to say that stuff... never leave it too late to say that stuff... the worst that happens is they don't feel the same and you find out sooner than you would have done if you hadn't been too scared. And that's no bad thing... because you hurt for a while and then you move on because you have to. It takes you out of limbo. Never let fear get the better of you.... say what you mean and express what you feel.... and don't be afraid of someone not loving you, that's their choice, not yours. Doesn't mean you can't express your love for them... when you express it, you breathe life into it and then you have to let it go. Sometimes you will get what you want, isn't that better than limbo? Sometimes you won't, that's still better than limbo... be brave and always jump... Always...