A little anger left

I filled the space you left
With bricks and rocks and rubble
I fully feel the weight
Of this heavy, painful bubble.
I fill my days the same
With tasks that eat up time
Hoping to wake one day
Not caring, feeling fine.
In truth I want sleep all day
And then to sleep all night
Pretending that I'm happy
Just feels like a fight.
I want it gone from me
Your existence in my heart
To pretend we never knew
Well that would be a start.
Not saying as a solution
It's perfect, not a bit
Just that with you gone
I could climb out of this pit
But then I think of days
When you messaged or you rang
And many old wounds were healed
Perhaps that was the divine plan.
So if you came to fix some stuff
I guess I owe my gratitude
It's the other things you broke
Though that caused my attitude.
See, it's not that I'm not thankful
Of the gifts you gave so free
It's just a costly one right now
As the bill was sent to me.
Maybe it was an oversight
And you left your credit card
Or maybe I misheard the deal
And that's what makes this hard!
And maybe you miss me too
Or the dreams you had for us
Maybe you also feel crushed
Underneath this stupid bus.
You know the one, you drove it
Roughshod on both our hopes
And yet it feels to me
I'm the only one left who copes.
I suppose a part of me is thankful
You are weak, I thought you strong,
But you let you friends guide you
It didn't even take that long!
In future I'll fix myself
I cannot bear more weight
And want to be filled with love
Not anger and self hate.
So thanks again for everything
I wish you well in love
It's just I kind of wish right now
That you're shit on from above.

Could you?

I wonder sitting here alone
Could you hold me
Just one night, just one
As if I were yours?

Could you lean forward
Close to my face and smile
Then kiss me gently
As if I were yours?

Could you spend a day
Walking and talking and being
With me, just... with me
As if I were yours?

Could you lie by me
In my bed and let me listen
To your heart beating
As if you were mine?

Could you listen to my hopes
To my dreams and fears
To my experiences
As if you were mine?

Could you turn to me and sigh
And tell me that there is no place
That you would rather be
As if you were mine?

Could we whisper of hope
Could we touch each other's soul
Could we reach for the sky
As if we were one together?

Could we love for that whole night
Without fear of the future
Without fear of a pain that might not come
As if we were one together?

Could we fall asleep
In each other's arms
Knowing nothing more perfect exists
As if were one together?

Could we be loving
And free and vulnerable
Naked to the core
As children of the universe?

Could we make love
In innocence
And in purity of loving joy
As children of the universe?

Could we explore the stars
And reach for that dream
Of love without need
As children of the universe?

And if we could do that
Do you think....
We could do it all again tomorrow
As if we trust in each other?

And if we could manage tomorrow
Do you think...
We could let go of control
As if we trust in each other?

And if we could let go of control
Could we fly
And merge and be one
As if we trust in each other?

And if we could merge and be one
Do you think....
Maybe....
We'd have found the reason we are here?

Promises

It seemed to have so much
It seemed to be something real
It seemed to me I was falling
And I could really feel.
The promise was a gift
From now into tomorrow
It was a hint of joy
That became my sorrow.
I should have left my walls
They stood to keep me safe
I should have checked their strength
Instead of being brave.
But I started to think I wanted
To jump with both my feet
I imagined that it was right
My optimism can't be beat.
It seemed to me you see
A promise of a feeling
A tangible one for sure
Instead it left me reeling.
You broke my wall
I hate so much that you did
But I wanted it too
And so I never hid.
Well now my feet are broken
As they landed on the floor
Of the promise of a future
That just strolled out the door.
But see, I think you're great
Even now as I feel the tears
I hope you find the love
That will alleviate your fears.
So take the unspoken promise
Of anticipating what comes now
take it with my blessing
And just be open and allow.
You want something real
And you want it close to you
I hope that you get it all
And the promise is seen through.
I'll just pick my heart up
And pop it back inside
And then I'll build my walls again
So the better I can hide.

Epitaph.

If someone wrote your epitaph
In advance of when you die Would you take the truth of you Or would you take the lie? Would you want the words To elevate the speaker To remind them all to live The listener and the reader. Would the truth of how you lived Raise the bar for all Would it reach inside their heart With a moving clarion call? Is every day you live on earth A chance to love and grow Is every moment learning And being in the flow? Or did you make decisions Based on fear or need How many of your choices Were purely based on greed. If your soul exposed itself To those you love right now Would you be scared of their reaction Would it kill your sacred cow? How many people know you Of those that you call friend How many people understand Your beginning and your end? Do you tell your loved ones In your words and in your deeds Exactly how you feel For them not just your needs? So, if someone wrote your epitaph In advance of when you die Would you change a thing in it Or would you let it fly?

Removing the mask

I was inspired to write this as I went for my first walk to the beach since breaking my foot

''You broke your foot??''

Yes, a few weeks ago I broke my right foot a bit, dislocated it and popped it back in, this is apparently not usual. It did result in a really elegant X-Ray however... There's no correlation between the walk and the subject matter, just that my mind does a weird thing when I walk alone.

Anyway, that's the background, I don't wish to harp on about the injury, just that on this walk I had a lot of things to mull over to do with my life atm.
What I aim to do is a valiant attempt at removing my 'society mask', that thing we wear to protect us from all of the things that society tells us we need protecting from. So I am going to jump right in at the deep end because that seems to be the very best way to do these things.

Since I was very young I've struggled with insecurity. I know that may seem an odd thing to admit when I do the things I do, if you know me well enough to what I do for fun etc. I was a normal and active child who just put on a lot of weight before hitting puberty. That's when people started calling me fat, until that happened I had no concept of weight, I saw my mum for the person she was, not her weight... I saw people, not measurements. I am probably going to be mentioning the weight thing a bit as this is my perspective.
I should not be measured by my weight, the quality of my character is not controlled by how much of me (or anyone) there is. My compassion neither shrinks nor grows with my waistline, nor does yours. My ability to be there for my friends has never altered regardless of my size - and I have been fat, thin and every size in between.
Over the years I've tried to grow in my world view, I've tried to learn from experiences - being in a violent relationship years ago taught me a lot (I do not state this for a sympathy vote, I learned a lot in that time) and it gave me an insight into feeling truly worthless and powerless. It made see shame in way that people who have not experienced anything like this cannot understand, it removed from me any desire to be a victim of my circumstances, it taught me more than I can share here, but it's not something I would wish on anyone, nor recommend as a learning curve - there is always a better way became my motto from this life experience. There is always a way to be in your truth and speak it nicely, there is always a way to explain your point that doesn't require anger, raised voices, violence or passive aggressive pouting...

I am flawed but perfect, I am damaged but complete, I am insecure but made from awesome, I am faulty but do not need returning, I make jokes as a self defence mechanism but I am OK with it. I can bitch with the best of them, but I have awareness that whatever I am saying is a reflection of how I feel and where I am at.

If we ever want truly authentic relationships we have to look at who we are and completely open that person for general viewing without worrying or caring what some people will think, because when we are authentic the people who do not like us at least are not liking who we are, not who we present. And the people who do like the authentic us will likely stick around because we are not going to throw any curveballs their way.

I have never been one for game playing with the emotions of others, but I've been guilty of protecting myself by hiding my feelings, but in truth, that offers no protection only an illusion of it. If we like someone we shy of saying something because we are afraid they may not return the feelings. Can we all see how pointless this is? If I pretend that I am not interested and the person I like is doing the same, we may never meet in the middle because both are scared of rejection and of future pain.... take a moment with that *future pain*.... I'll wait here....

OK... done thinking about that? I don't tell someone I like him because I am afraid he doesn't feel the same... well... if he doesn't, surely it's better that I know? Or I don't tell him because I am scared that he may like me too and then we get together and I imagine it will go wrong and then I will be heartbroken. And so it goes on until you left it too late to say that stuff... never leave it too late to say that stuff... the worst that happens is they don't feel the same and you find out sooner than you would have done if you hadn't been too scared. And that's no bad thing... because you hurt for a while and then you move on because you have to. It takes you out of limbo. Never let fear get the better of you.... say what you mean and express what you feel.... and don't be afraid of someone not loving you, that's their choice, not yours. Doesn't mean you can't express your love for them... when you express it, you breathe life into it and then you have to let it go. Sometimes you will get what you want, isn't that better than limbo? Sometimes you won't, that's still better than limbo... be brave and always jump... Always...