Removing the mask

I was inspired to write this as I went for my first walk to the beach since breaking my foot

''You broke your foot??''

Yes, a few weeks ago I broke my right foot a bit, dislocated it and popped it back in, this is apparently not usual. It did result in a really elegant X-Ray however... There's no correlation between the walk and the subject matter, just that my mind does a weird thing when I walk alone.

Anyway, that's the background, I don't wish to harp on about the injury, just that on this walk I had a lot of things to mull over to do with my life atm.
What I aim to do is a valiant attempt at removing my 'society mask', that thing we wear to protect us from all of the things that society tells us we need protecting from. So I am going to jump right in at the deep end because that seems to be the very best way to do these things.

Since I was very young I've struggled with insecurity. I know that may seem an odd thing to admit when I do the things I do, if you know me well enough to what I do for fun etc. I was a normal and active child who just put on a lot of weight before hitting puberty. That's when people started calling me fat, until that happened I had no concept of weight, I saw my mum for the person she was, not her weight... I saw people, not measurements. I am probably going to be mentioning the weight thing a bit as this is my perspective.
I should not be measured by my weight, the quality of my character is not controlled by how much of me (or anyone) there is. My compassion neither shrinks nor grows with my waistline, nor does yours. My ability to be there for my friends has never altered regardless of my size - and I have been fat, thin and every size in between.
Over the years I've tried to grow in my world view, I've tried to learn from experiences - being in a violent relationship years ago taught me a lot (I do not state this for a sympathy vote, I learned a lot in that time) and it gave me an insight into feeling truly worthless and powerless. It made see shame in way that people who have not experienced anything like this cannot understand, it removed from me any desire to be a victim of my circumstances, it taught me more than I can share here, but it's not something I would wish on anyone, nor recommend as a learning curve - there is always a better way became my motto from this life experience. There is always a way to be in your truth and speak it nicely, there is always a way to explain your point that doesn't require anger, raised voices, violence or passive aggressive pouting...

I am flawed but perfect, I am damaged but complete, I am insecure but made from awesome, I am faulty but do not need returning, I make jokes as a self defence mechanism but I am OK with it. I can bitch with the best of them, but I have awareness that whatever I am saying is a reflection of how I feel and where I am at.

If we ever want truly authentic relationships we have to look at who we are and completely open that person for general viewing without worrying or caring what some people will think, because when we are authentic the people who do not like us at least are not liking who we are, not who we present. And the people who do like the authentic us will likely stick around because we are not going to throw any curveballs their way.

I have never been one for game playing with the emotions of others, but I've been guilty of protecting myself by hiding my feelings, but in truth, that offers no protection only an illusion of it. If we like someone we shy of saying something because we are afraid they may not return the feelings. Can we all see how pointless this is? If I pretend that I am not interested and the person I like is doing the same, we may never meet in the middle because both are scared of rejection and of future pain.... take a moment with that *future pain*.... I'll wait here....

OK... done thinking about that? I don't tell someone I like him because I am afraid he doesn't feel the same... well... if he doesn't, surely it's better that I know? Or I don't tell him because I am scared that he may like me too and then we get together and I imagine it will go wrong and then I will be heartbroken. And so it goes on until you left it too late to say that stuff... never leave it too late to say that stuff... the worst that happens is they don't feel the same and you find out sooner than you would have done if you hadn't been too scared. And that's no bad thing... because you hurt for a while and then you move on because you have to. It takes you out of limbo. Never let fear get the better of you.... say what you mean and express what you feel.... and don't be afraid of someone not loving you, that's their choice, not yours. Doesn't mean you can't express your love for them... when you express it, you breathe life into it and then you have to let it go. Sometimes you will get what you want, isn't that better than limbo? Sometimes you won't, that's still better than limbo... be brave and always jump... Always...

Letting go

I think I need to let you go,
I think I have to really. I think that is for the best Though I love you dearly. I loved you when you looked at me, I loved you when you smiled.. I loved the moment when we first touched I truly was beguiled. It was my hope, my dearest wish That you felt the same, I hoped that you were working out This wasn't just a game. I wanted so very much To be the woman you desire To be the one and only The one who lit your fire. I held off being with anyone else Because it felt like cheating Even though you were never *mine* This was my heart just beating. It soared so high every time You connected with me dearest It fell to the pits of despair Knowing I wasn't your nearest. I've carried the torch too long To see my way on the path But now I look back on it all It's time to do the math. The dark night of the soul Is knocking on my door I do not wish a return To all that was before. I've walked the lonely road, My feet and heart are aching It's not your fault, it's mine A responsibility I am taking. I know they say we are ''meant to be'' But truly does it matter? If you don't know this is the case Then it's all just idle chatter. If you don't feel for me The way I feel for you There's nothing I can say And nothing I can do. I think... I need to let you go I think have to really.. So tell my why it's killing me I am breathing, but just barely. I feel my heart, it's screaming, Screaming in my chest I feel my love for you Is dying in my breast. Can this be the last day That I kid myself you want me? Can this be the last moment That I feel that we will *be*? Is it really all that's left The cold memory of hope? Was that all it ever was And I have to learn to cope? I am emptied out of all I am I am not whole inside I am broken on the floor A part of me just died. Do not blame yourself The fault is mine, not yours I never told you, angel I just opened up the doors. I guess I thought you might see And then step through just one To find me waiting, my love Waiting here all along.

A mile

I walked a mile to get to you,

But then I found you'd moved. So then I walked another mile And you know what that proved? It proved that carrots dangle, Ever in the future. It showed me that there was only me, I really had to nurture. Without self care, I cannot walk, Another inch my love. Without the love I feel for me, And that which is from above. I would crawl to you o'er broken glass And fire and ice as well I would defy the arms of angels And keep the companies of hell. Because you keep my soul You keep it in your care. Because it belongs not just to me We agreed you'd keep it there. We signed a contract bound by aeons To remain as one while two. To experience all life has And return to share the view. And now it seems the time has come To reclaim who we are. Guided by a loving heart And maybe the occasional star. Will you make this easy? Or do I still need to walk or fight? Can it simply *be* my love? So that we may share the light.''

Speaking terms

I've heard they're not on speaking terms
This explains a lot..
The quiet days, the difficult ways
The things that you *forgot*

I had suspected who was to blame
But I won't point the finger
It's not my place and doesn't help
To let this stuff just linger.

Instead of listening one ignored
All the gentle prods
And carried on in ignorance
Not even giving nods.

Never to communicate
A dire thing indeed
So much time you both have lost
When both have been in need.

Everyone else, they saw it too
It wasn't only me
They even tried to get through to you
But neither of you would see

How very frequent we screwed our face
In anger and in frustration
At all the times you both turned your back
And there died our anticipation.

Well, here we are, still watching on
Waiting on you two
Hoping that you open the line
And ONE of you gets through.

I  hear you're not on speaking terms
Your heart and brain my dear
No pointing at the brain
Or the heart that lives in fear.

So come my love, I cherish you
Leave us in pain no longer
Talk to yourself and listen now
Our love will then grow stronger.

Don't hold me.

Don't hold me.

If you don't hold me I won't die If you don't kiss me I won't cry If you never make me sigh I'll get by I'll get by...

If we never speak again I'll carry on If you don't lie beside me My whole life long I'll be strong I'll sing my song I'll sing my song

If the days don't bring us close So be it If you don't see my light I'll keep it lit If we're not pulled together Bit by bit I'll take the hit I'll take the hit

But if you look into my eyes And see your soul If you notice that together We are whole Ascension will be ours That's the goal I'll be your soul You'll be my soul

I thought...

I thought the sea was blue, I thought its depths were endless I thought there was nothing to compare, To the billion stars reflected and shimmering On its surface in the moonlight. I figured there were mysteries there, Things I'd never see. I thought it held secrets I would never know, I wondered if I could ever feel what it would be like to swim forever in it. I wondered how very lost I could be I wondered if I could feel the soul, the heart of it. I wondered if totally being one with it Would drown me, or save me. I've thought about the truths That might be found by plunging those depths. But then I started to fear my own mortality I started to question myself I wondered if I would die trying... I started to think it wasn't worth it I started to think it would be safer To stay on the shore.. To look on from afar and dream. To dream, rather than do, To imagine, rather than try... To stay safe and dry I may never experience the waves. I may never dive and explore bravely But I can watch and pretend that I did... I thought the sea was blue, I thought its depths were endless... Then.... I looked into your eyes and I understood.

I can, want, will... A promise

I can feel the way your skin feels when you are not here
I can feel the way it feels to be near you when you are not here
I can recall the way your aura reaches out to mine immediately
I can almost.... almost.... touch you
I can remember most everything about the time we have
Short and sweet and beautiful
Like finding the other half of me.
I can tell you that you smell good, taste good,
And I can act as if I'm OK with the fact that you are not mine.
I can do that, I hate to do it.. I want to say ''Be mine, not hers'',
But instead I do what I can.. and that is carry on...
Be cheerful to your face so you never see the way that you have touched my soul
I can be there for you, when you need a friend.
Hell, I will be the best damn friend you ever had..
And if that is all it will ever be then so be it..

I want to feel you touch me again
I want to touch you, I want to reach out and hold your hand
I want to hold it spiritually and physically
I want to see your face on my pillows
I want to see your clothes litter my floor
I want to see you saunter confidently naked
I want you to know that you belong...
......and I belong, anywhere together
To feel that you can call on me any time and know that I'll be there
I want you to see that this is something real

I will get through the long and lonely days
I will send you love as hard as ever I can
I will love you unconditionally as friend
I will love you unconditionally however you want
I will be whatever you want of me in your life
I will fit into whatever space you have for me...
I will be the best at what you want of me.
I will endure you not being beside me
I will endure the fact that it may never happen
I will hold my heart open to you while ever my heart beats
I will see every new day as a promise to you
To live and breath positive thoughts and energy
that you may feel it and benefit from it
I will be happy for the time we've had
And for any time we may have in the future
I will only expect what you can, want, will.. freely give
And no more of you...