Speaking terms

I've heard they're not on speaking terms
This explains a lot..
The quiet days, the difficult ways
The things that you *forgot*

I had suspected who was to blame
But I won't point the finger
It's not my place and doesn't help
To let this stuff just linger.

Instead of listening one ignored
All the gentle prods
And carried on in ignorance
Not even giving nods.

Never to communicate
A dire thing indeed
So much time you both have lost
When both have been in need.

Everyone else, they saw it too
It wasn't only me
They even tried to get through to you
But neither of you would see

How very frequent we screwed our face
In anger and in frustration
At all the times you both turned your back
And there died our anticipation.

Well, here we are, still watching on
Waiting on you two
Hoping that you open the line
And ONE of you gets through.

I  hear you're not on speaking terms
Your heart and brain my dear
No pointing at the brain
Or the heart that lives in fear.

So come my love, I cherish you
Leave us in pain no longer
Talk to yourself and listen now
Our love will then grow stronger.

Don't hold me.

Don't hold me.

If you don't hold me I won't die If you don't kiss me I won't cry If you never make me sigh I'll get by I'll get by...

If we never speak again I'll carry on If you don't lie beside me My whole life long I'll be strong I'll sing my song I'll sing my song

If the days don't bring us close So be it If you don't see my light I'll keep it lit If we're not pulled together Bit by bit I'll take the hit I'll take the hit

But if you look into my eyes And see your soul If you notice that together We are whole Ascension will be ours That's the goal I'll be your soul You'll be my soul

I thought...

I thought the sea was blue, I thought its depths were endless I thought there was nothing to compare, To the billion stars reflected and shimmering On its surface in the moonlight. I figured there were mysteries there, Things I'd never see. I thought it held secrets I would never know, I wondered if I could ever feel what it would be like to swim forever in it. I wondered how very lost I could be I wondered if I could feel the soul, the heart of it. I wondered if totally being one with it Would drown me, or save me. I've thought about the truths That might be found by plunging those depths. But then I started to fear my own mortality I started to question myself I wondered if I would die trying... I started to think it wasn't worth it I started to think it would be safer To stay on the shore.. To look on from afar and dream. To dream, rather than do, To imagine, rather than try... To stay safe and dry I may never experience the waves. I may never dive and explore bravely But I can watch and pretend that I did... I thought the sea was blue, I thought its depths were endless... Then.... I looked into your eyes and I understood.

I can, want, will... A promise

I can feel the way your skin feels when you are not here
I can feel the way it feels to be near you when you are not here
I can recall the way your aura reaches out to mine immediately
I can almost.... almost.... touch you
I can remember most everything about the time we have
Short and sweet and beautiful
Like finding the other half of me.
I can tell you that you smell good, taste good,
And I can act as if I'm OK with the fact that you are not mine.
I can do that, I hate to do it.. I want to say ''Be mine, not hers'',
But instead I do what I can.. and that is carry on...
Be cheerful to your face so you never see the way that you have touched my soul
I can be there for you, when you need a friend.
Hell, I will be the best damn friend you ever had..
And if that is all it will ever be then so be it..

I want to feel you touch me again
I want to touch you, I want to reach out and hold your hand
I want to hold it spiritually and physically
I want to see your face on my pillows
I want to see your clothes litter my floor
I want to see you saunter confidently naked
I want you to know that you belong...
......and I belong, anywhere together
To feel that you can call on me any time and know that I'll be there
I want you to see that this is something real

I will get through the long and lonely days
I will send you love as hard as ever I can
I will love you unconditionally as friend
I will love you unconditionally however you want
I will be whatever you want of me in your life
I will fit into whatever space you have for me...
I will be the best at what you want of me.
I will endure you not being beside me
I will endure the fact that it may never happen
I will hold my heart open to you while ever my heart beats
I will see every new day as a promise to you
To live and breath positive thoughts and energy
that you may feel it and benefit from it
I will be happy for the time we've had
And for any time we may have in the future
I will only expect what you can, want, will.. freely give
And no more of you...

Two Years

This is from my journal on deviantART...

That's how long dA tells me I've been a member, I just noticed it was two years yesterday.
That makes me think about where I am sitting now and where I was sitting two years ago and how things change.
So very many times in life we assume that what we have, who we are, what we are doing is what we'll have, who we will be and what we will be doing for the rest of lives.

We think that who we love, we'll love eternally. 
Doesn't matter if it doesn't work, if we know it is broken, we carry on. We get up, do what we do every day and we never look too close at what we have or what is wrong for fear of having to grit our teeth and say or do something. So our lives continue and we think it might be just a phase, the discontent, we think it will pass and so we get our morning coffee and we do the same thing day in day out. Living in a heart that's broken, because we think we are meant to. Then comes the middle of the day... same things, passing time.... teatime.... passing time..... bedtime, dreamtime, passing time... Time passes. All the time that we are thinking of ways to pass the time - it does.... it passes us by. 
And every day that we live with the discontent we are saying to the universe ''This is my life, it's all I'll have, I'm satisfied with the little things. I might not want this but I'll take it'', then more time passes... every day that you choose to live like this, you are making a choice, don't ever fool yourself that you have no choice. There is always a choice... in not doing anything, you are making a choice. 
The choice you make is to continue in a life that you do not wish to live and you put up with how you feel because you think that all the rationalisation you have going on in your head actually matters a damn... it doesn't. You can't rationalise yourself into happiness. You can't make all the little things add up to something they are not - 2 + 2 does not equal purple... it's not something you can fix with maths or common sense. So eat a biscuit, play a game, read a book, watch a movie, listen to music, go for walk, go for a swim, do your job, get your shopping, wash your car, joke with your friends, do everything the same, every day... and break a little more inside with every passing moment that you do not honour your feelings. You can lose yourself for a few hours in pastimes that give you pleasure, but who you really are, how you really feel is still sitting there. Will still visit you when you wake in the small hours and can't get back to sleep. There are people who have their lives taken, from them because of illness, disease or because someone decided it was OK to end another person's life. And every day we moan about our life and do nothing to change it, we dishonour those who have no choice. 
So... I'm thinking about the two years... and how I convinced myself I was satisfied. And I'm thinking about how cruel it is not just on the self, to settle... but on the person you have chosen to *settle* for... is it really a kindness to be with someone when you know it's not working? Don't they deserve to be with someone who feels passionately for them? If it's not working for you, then you can be sure at a deeper level, it's not working for them either... What we really fear here, is having everything we want, we fear it because what if we have it and that is taken from us?

It took me a long time to do something... and everyone must walk their own path in their own time. 

I was standing still for a long time... so I look at what changed in those two years and I can say - not much.
BUT when I look at what has changed in roughly 4.5 months from when I decided to do something I can say - Almost everything.

Yes, it was scary, yes I feel lonely sometimes, but I know it was right, I feel too much myself and too much in touch with the things that give me joy to possibly think that this is worth trading for what I had. Is everything perfect? No.. but I am finding my joy.
I listen to classical music instead of putting up with the TV. I read instead of escaping into games every day, I'm still a gamer, I can still spend hours gaming, but I do it for fun, not to be someone else for a few hours not passing time until I can mark off another day, but because in that moment I want to play. When I want to do something else I do it. I'm not trying to get away from myself any more. I want to be with myself and life scares me again.
But damnit, I'm living, I'm not existing, I'm living. Feeling things I haven't felt for years, fear, excitement, peace....... freedom. Freedom to be me and I will never again not be me. 
So that's it two years... if you got through my ramble, well done - you're tenacious.. 
Never lose sight of you.... it's a hell of a walk to find yourself again (worth it though)

She's a woman too

She's a woman too, 
Do you see her?
She's a woman too, 
Do you see HER?
She is a woman like the one you stared at on the bus
She is a woman like the one you drooled over in a magazine
She is a woman like the one your friends fight over
She is...
But you don't see her
Because she is invisible
Maybe it's not your fault that you don't see her
Maybe she wants to be invisible
Maybe when she is alone with herself she is sad
Sad to think of who she was
She watches Shirley Valentine and she laughs out loud
Perhaps if you look closer you will see what the laughter hides
She cries, she is Shirley, with every breath
She may not like a glass of wine 
She may not talk to the wall
But she knows that is who she is
Invisible, she's made herself invisible
She doesn't want you to see
Doesn't want you to see how she is
Because she remembers when people winked at her
Wanted her attention
Called on her wanting any of her time
She doesn't want you to see her now
Because she doesn't want to see herself
She watches you when a pretty girl walks by
She sees your gaze follow her 
She remembers, but she knows you can't see her now
She made herself invisible.
She doesn't want to look at herself
And see everything she gave up
To be a wife, a mother 
She's been on autopilot so long
She doesn't know how to fly any more
Doesn't know how to honour her desires
Doesn't know how to find her joy
Doesn't know how to reclaim herself
You walk past her every day
She is legion
For she is many
But she is a woman too

Drowning

To be near you is bliss...
The effect lingers a while.. 
Like being touched softly by an angel
And feeling the glow all day
Talking with you is easy
Like laying on a feather bed
and sprawling out 
In the soft comfort it offers
To stand by you is a thrill
Feeling your energy 
Like static electric 
I tingle with you proximity

Knowing you is living
Feeling the power of your soul
As it reaches out and oh....
so gently whispers to mine
''I know you, I've been looking for you,
I felt that you were close''
Touching you is breathing
Feeling your skin fill me
with oxygen and revitalising me
flowing through me 
Wanting you is agony
Knowing that you are not here
not with me.
Experiencing gut wrenching separation
like being torn from your own spirit

Looking into your eyes is..
Well... I can't do that
You're like Medusa, I cannot look
Not straight on.. 
because..... 
Because you would know everything
if I did, you would know my desire
feel my ache for you
But more.... looking into you eyes
I would drown... willingly 
I would throw myself in the ocean 
that your eyes hide 
I would jump and hope.
Hope to be engulfed in everything that is you
To totally wallow in and soak up all that you are
And I would fear losing that feeling so much
that I cannot look into your eyes
Not yet....