Two Years

This is from my journal on deviantART...

That's how long dA tells me I've been a member, I just noticed it was two years yesterday.
That makes me think about where I am sitting now and where I was sitting two years ago and how things change.
So very many times in life we assume that what we have, who we are, what we are doing is what we'll have, who we will be and what we will be doing for the rest of lives.

We think that who we love, we'll love eternally. 
Doesn't matter if it doesn't work, if we know it is broken, we carry on. We get up, do what we do every day and we never look too close at what we have or what is wrong for fear of having to grit our teeth and say or do something. So our lives continue and we think it might be just a phase, the discontent, we think it will pass and so we get our morning coffee and we do the same thing day in day out. Living in a heart that's broken, because we think we are meant to. Then comes the middle of the day... same things, passing time.... teatime.... passing time..... bedtime, dreamtime, passing time... Time passes. All the time that we are thinking of ways to pass the time - it does.... it passes us by. 
And every day that we live with the discontent we are saying to the universe ''This is my life, it's all I'll have, I'm satisfied with the little things. I might not want this but I'll take it'', then more time passes... every day that you choose to live like this, you are making a choice, don't ever fool yourself that you have no choice. There is always a choice... in not doing anything, you are making a choice. 
The choice you make is to continue in a life that you do not wish to live and you put up with how you feel because you think that all the rationalisation you have going on in your head actually matters a damn... it doesn't. You can't rationalise yourself into happiness. You can't make all the little things add up to something they are not - 2 + 2 does not equal purple... it's not something you can fix with maths or common sense. So eat a biscuit, play a game, read a book, watch a movie, listen to music, go for walk, go for a swim, do your job, get your shopping, wash your car, joke with your friends, do everything the same, every day... and break a little more inside with every passing moment that you do not honour your feelings. You can lose yourself for a few hours in pastimes that give you pleasure, but who you really are, how you really feel is still sitting there. Will still visit you when you wake in the small hours and can't get back to sleep. There are people who have their lives taken, from them because of illness, disease or because someone decided it was OK to end another person's life. And every day we moan about our life and do nothing to change it, we dishonour those who have no choice. 
So... I'm thinking about the two years... and how I convinced myself I was satisfied. And I'm thinking about how cruel it is not just on the self, to settle... but on the person you have chosen to *settle* for... is it really a kindness to be with someone when you know it's not working? Don't they deserve to be with someone who feels passionately for them? If it's not working for you, then you can be sure at a deeper level, it's not working for them either... What we really fear here, is having everything we want, we fear it because what if we have it and that is taken from us?

It took me a long time to do something... and everyone must walk their own path in their own time. 

I was standing still for a long time... so I look at what changed in those two years and I can say - not much.
BUT when I look at what has changed in roughly 4.5 months from when I decided to do something I can say - Almost everything.

Yes, it was scary, yes I feel lonely sometimes, but I know it was right, I feel too much myself and too much in touch with the things that give me joy to possibly think that this is worth trading for what I had. Is everything perfect? No.. but I am finding my joy.
I listen to classical music instead of putting up with the TV. I read instead of escaping into games every day, I'm still a gamer, I can still spend hours gaming, but I do it for fun, not to be someone else for a few hours not passing time until I can mark off another day, but because in that moment I want to play. When I want to do something else I do it. I'm not trying to get away from myself any more. I want to be with myself and life scares me again.
But damnit, I'm living, I'm not existing, I'm living. Feeling things I haven't felt for years, fear, excitement, peace....... freedom. Freedom to be me and I will never again not be me. 
So that's it two years... if you got through my ramble, well done - you're tenacious.. 
Never lose sight of you.... it's a hell of a walk to find yourself again (worth it though)

She's a woman too

She's a woman too, 
Do you see her?
She's a woman too, 
Do you see HER?
She is a woman like the one you stared at on the bus
She is a woman like the one you drooled over in a magazine
She is a woman like the one your friends fight over
She is...
But you don't see her
Because she is invisible
Maybe it's not your fault that you don't see her
Maybe she wants to be invisible
Maybe when she is alone with herself she is sad
Sad to think of who she was
She watches Shirley Valentine and she laughs out loud
Perhaps if you look closer you will see what the laughter hides
She cries, she is Shirley, with every breath
She may not like a glass of wine 
She may not talk to the wall
But she knows that is who she is
Invisible, she's made herself invisible
She doesn't want you to see
Doesn't want you to see how she is
Because she remembers when people winked at her
Wanted her attention
Called on her wanting any of her time
She doesn't want you to see her now
Because she doesn't want to see herself
She watches you when a pretty girl walks by
She sees your gaze follow her 
She remembers, but she knows you can't see her now
She made herself invisible.
She doesn't want to look at herself
And see everything she gave up
To be a wife, a mother 
She's been on autopilot so long
She doesn't know how to fly any more
Doesn't know how to honour her desires
Doesn't know how to find her joy
Doesn't know how to reclaim herself
You walk past her every day
She is legion
For she is many
But she is a woman too