Two Years

This is from my journal on deviantART...

That's how long dA tells me I've been a member, I just noticed it was two years yesterday.
That makes me think about where I am sitting now and where I was sitting two years ago and how things change.
So very many times in life we assume that what we have, who we are, what we are doing is what we'll have, who we will be and what we will be doing for the rest of lives.

We think that who we love, we'll love eternally. 
Doesn't matter if it doesn't work, if we know it is broken, we carry on. We get up, do what we do every day and we never look too close at what we have or what is wrong for fear of having to grit our teeth and say or do something. So our lives continue and we think it might be just a phase, the discontent, we think it will pass and so we get our morning coffee and we do the same thing day in day out. Living in a heart that's broken, because we think we are meant to. Then comes the middle of the day... same things, passing time.... teatime.... passing time..... bedtime, dreamtime, passing time... Time passes. All the time that we are thinking of ways to pass the time - it does.... it passes us by. 
And every day that we live with the discontent we are saying to the universe ''This is my life, it's all I'll have, I'm satisfied with the little things. I might not want this but I'll take it'', then more time passes... every day that you choose to live like this, you are making a choice, don't ever fool yourself that you have no choice. There is always a choice... in not doing anything, you are making a choice. 
The choice you make is to continue in a life that you do not wish to live and you put up with how you feel because you think that all the rationalisation you have going on in your head actually matters a damn... it doesn't. You can't rationalise yourself into happiness. You can't make all the little things add up to something they are not - 2 + 2 does not equal purple... it's not something you can fix with maths or common sense. So eat a biscuit, play a game, read a book, watch a movie, listen to music, go for walk, go for a swim, do your job, get your shopping, wash your car, joke with your friends, do everything the same, every day... and break a little more inside with every passing moment that you do not honour your feelings. You can lose yourself for a few hours in pastimes that give you pleasure, but who you really are, how you really feel is still sitting there. Will still visit you when you wake in the small hours and can't get back to sleep. There are people who have their lives taken, from them because of illness, disease or because someone decided it was OK to end another person's life. And every day we moan about our life and do nothing to change it, we dishonour those who have no choice. 
So... I'm thinking about the two years... and how I convinced myself I was satisfied. And I'm thinking about how cruel it is not just on the self, to settle... but on the person you have chosen to *settle* for... is it really a kindness to be with someone when you know it's not working? Don't they deserve to be with someone who feels passionately for them? If it's not working for you, then you can be sure at a deeper level, it's not working for them either... What we really fear here, is having everything we want, we fear it because what if we have it and that is taken from us?

It took me a long time to do something... and everyone must walk their own path in their own time. 

I was standing still for a long time... so I look at what changed in those two years and I can say - not much.
BUT when I look at what has changed in roughly 4.5 months from when I decided to do something I can say - Almost everything.

Yes, it was scary, yes I feel lonely sometimes, but I know it was right, I feel too much myself and too much in touch with the things that give me joy to possibly think that this is worth trading for what I had. Is everything perfect? No.. but I am finding my joy.
I listen to classical music instead of putting up with the TV. I read instead of escaping into games every day, I'm still a gamer, I can still spend hours gaming, but I do it for fun, not to be someone else for a few hours not passing time until I can mark off another day, but because in that moment I want to play. When I want to do something else I do it. I'm not trying to get away from myself any more. I want to be with myself and life scares me again.
But damnit, I'm living, I'm not existing, I'm living. Feeling things I haven't felt for years, fear, excitement, peace....... freedom. Freedom to be me and I will never again not be me. 
So that's it two years... if you got through my ramble, well done - you're tenacious.. 
Never lose sight of you.... it's a hell of a walk to find yourself again (worth it though)

She's a woman too

She's a woman too, 
Do you see her?
She's a woman too, 
Do you see HER?
She is a woman like the one you stared at on the bus
She is a woman like the one you drooled over in a magazine
She is a woman like the one your friends fight over
She is...
But you don't see her
Because she is invisible
Maybe it's not your fault that you don't see her
Maybe she wants to be invisible
Maybe when she is alone with herself she is sad
Sad to think of who she was
She watches Shirley Valentine and she laughs out loud
Perhaps if you look closer you will see what the laughter hides
She cries, she is Shirley, with every breath
She may not like a glass of wine 
She may not talk to the wall
But she knows that is who she is
Invisible, she's made herself invisible
She doesn't want you to see
Doesn't want you to see how she is
Because she remembers when people winked at her
Wanted her attention
Called on her wanting any of her time
She doesn't want you to see her now
Because she doesn't want to see herself
She watches you when a pretty girl walks by
She sees your gaze follow her 
She remembers, but she knows you can't see her now
She made herself invisible.
She doesn't want to look at herself
And see everything she gave up
To be a wife, a mother 
She's been on autopilot so long
She doesn't know how to fly any more
Doesn't know how to honour her desires
Doesn't know how to find her joy
Doesn't know how to reclaim herself
You walk past her every day
She is legion
For she is many
But she is a woman too

Drowning

To be near you is bliss...
The effect lingers a while.. 
Like being touched softly by an angel
And feeling the glow all day
Talking with you is easy
Like laying on a feather bed
and sprawling out 
In the soft comfort it offers
To stand by you is a thrill
Feeling your energy 
Like static electric 
I tingle with you proximity

Knowing you is living
Feeling the power of your soul
As it reaches out and oh....
so gently whispers to mine
''I know you, I've been looking for you,
I felt that you were close''
Touching you is breathing
Feeling your skin fill me
with oxygen and revitalising me
flowing through me 
Wanting you is agony
Knowing that you are not here
not with me.
Experiencing gut wrenching separation
like being torn from your own spirit

Looking into your eyes is..
Well... I can't do that
You're like Medusa, I cannot look
Not straight on.. 
because..... 
Because you would know everything
if I did, you would know my desire
feel my ache for you
But more.... looking into you eyes
I would drown... willingly 
I would throw myself in the ocean 
that your eyes hide 
I would jump and hope.
Hope to be engulfed in everything that is you
To totally wallow in and soak up all that you are
And I would fear losing that feeling so much
that I cannot look into your eyes
Not yet....

If I could

If I could tell you that I wanted you
I already would have
If I could tell you that I think about you
I already would have
If I could express the need for your lips on mine
My lips would have told you
Had I been able to share my late night thoughts of you
You would know by now
If there was a way to indicate my desire
My arms would be open for you
If I knew the magic words to utter
They would have been spoken
They would be a part of your reality
For you alone to to hear
And not the sky, the trees, my friends..
Anyone but you..
My confidence is an illusion, glamour magic
Meant to fool all but those who matter

And you matter, so why are you fooled???
Why can't you hear the quiet breath 
The one that says ''How are you''?
But means ''I'm thinking of you''
Or feel on the breeze my energy
That promises a tender kiss
Or just *know* that my thoughts are yours
In a rare moment of quiet 
Amidst the demands of a busy life
Of other people who need your attention
Why can't you sense the nature of the connection
When you are in that dreamy state before sleep?
Is there too much noise?
Does your life take so much of you
That there is no time, no energy
To be at one with yourself
To feel the currents of conscious and unconscious thought?
Do you miss your own signals or just mine?
Do you have time to close your eyes 
And hope for more
Are you in touch enough to know
That what you have is not enough..

If I could... oh.. if only I could
Show you the way I see the world
The way I view it... would you see
Would it make sense to you?
Could I make you see that...
There are no accidents
Everything happens for a reason
Be it loss or gain
And that you spoke to me for a reason
You opened up dialogue 
That could take you on a different path
The path is open... I am here... waiting
I see it before me, have you noticed the sign?
Do you know the path is yours?
Are you worried this path you laid was meant for other feet
Another heart, soul, mind?
Walk it... walk only a mile... and you will see
Bravery is not just to be found in doing the right thing
It is not always found in deeds
It is thing found in having the courage to view yourself
And to know that you want more
And are entitled to more than you have
Not money, not cars, not in the clothes you wear
But in acknowledging that what your heart wants
Matters more than 'just getting on with it'
In laying in the bed you made
Sometimes you make the bed wrong
Sleep in it? Or get out and do something
Depends on what kind of rest your heart craves
I know when you are tired it's easy to sleep with the lumps
But you don't wake up refreshed
If I could only..... but it's your bed....

When it rains

Nothing is forever... Neither joy, nor pain...  Neither rain, nor shine Everything continues to change until it stops All feelings are transient and all have a purpose Remembering joy is vital when you are in pain Pain reminds you to enjoy the moments of joy The rain and the sun work together Our feelings do the same....  So now.. I hold onto the fact that it hurts  but it won't hurt forever so I may sleep tonight And tomorrow might be slightly better  And some day soon I will wake and feel joy  And I will really feel it because the hurt helped me It helped me move forward, it helped.. It helped me understand that life requires change It helped me see the things I should be glad for When the rain falls it waters me And when the sun shines I blossom..

Silence - A complicated friend.

So, I'm thinking about silence...

Just a brief moment's thought, really... but I wanted to share my feelings on it.

There are different silences, but you have to observe carefully to know which one is being experienced.

There is a lonely desperate silence of being/feeling completely alone and misunderstood in the world, this one hurts and my heart reaches out to anyone experiencing this silence.

There is a silence of peaceful spiritual solitude that a person gets from being totally at one with themselves and the universe and this good, it is good for the heart, the mind, the body to shut out all noise and just experience a quietness of the soul that we just don't get any more, thanks to all the noise making things in the world now. If you can find some time in your day to feel this silence it will balance you - do it.

There is the silence of two people who have nothing to say to each other any more, that one is pretty sad too and needs no explanation.

And then.... then... there is the silence of two people who have plenty they could say, but words are not needed because they are so in tune with each other that they can just *be* together without words and their silence is an enviable one. They are not concerned with making the noise of conversation because the quiet makes them uncomfortable, they are not looking for things to say to shoo the silence away because they know that silence is their friend, it helps them connect to each other in a way that words and outside noises interfere with. These are very lucky people because they are not just at one with themselves but at one with another soul and there is a joy and peacefulness that you simply cannot manufacture for these people, they have transcended the need to always have noise..... They are blessed..

That's my view on our complicated friend. Don't be afraid of silence because that is when you can best hear things that you need to hear and feel things that people today just don't... feel...